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You are not Alone (A New Mother's Message)

After spending the most of the morning crying from fear, praying for peace, and dreading the

knife, the most beautifully traumatic life changing fulfilling trying "growny uppy" sweet magical challenging mind altering thing has happened! My SON has arrived! He's here in the flesh. He's perfect, small, sweetly brown, soft, vulnerable, and is a beautifully delicious mix of my husband and myself.

When I first saw him, I didn't have the typical bubble over tears.. (as I was on the OR table and they were sewing me back together) Instead, I was in shock. (the tears of joy and love hit me on the third day) It was surreal that after months and months of feeling flutters turned field goal kicks and seeing sonograms and belly rolls, that the child I had so desperately prayed for was finally here. It was like he was a stranger that I was in love with. His cry turned my heart inside out and the look on Mike's face as he forgot to take pictures was priceless. (He had spent the duration of our pregnancy boasting of the video footage would acquire the day our child entered the world) He was here and I know had no idea what to do next... after the drugs wore off... and I still couldn't walk.

[Let me just insert here that C- sections are NOT easy to go through nor are they easy to heal from. For me it is the traumatic part of this traumatic experience as my emotions continuously got the best of me as I get sincere and nearly severe anxiety when it comes to anything "hospitally." (Ironically my mom is this bomb nurse while get queasy at the sight of my own blood)]

TWO WEEKS LATER

Let me first say my son is the most amazing sweet funny baby in the world. Looking into his eyes as he looks into mine melts my already soft heart. Watching him and his daddy bond is like the most precious gift a wife and mother could behold. Witnessing his handsome little grin as he is lulled to sleep by his full tummy is the delight of my midnight. However, this is where the "trying" part of this experience comes in...

In the midst, of all the beautiful well wishes and my own happy happy joy joy I have a discovered a side of newborn motherhood that is not talked about... much. They call it "the baby blues" but there have been times when the blue felt like something even darker than black.

This part of my post today is for all of the newborn mommy's who have cried and cried, felt crazy, depressed, alone, crazy, on the verge of crazy, sad, numb and terrified as the light of day slowly but quickly melts into the night. This part of my post is to let other new mommys know that you are not alone in your fatigue although you may feel alone. That while loving our babies more than life itself leads us to post pictures of our bundles while we look and feel like poo' it is going to be ok.

There have been moments I felt like a terrible mother. I questioned if my child even liked me much less loved me as he cried through my attempts to sooth him. I have felt guilty for no longer wanting to nurse as I felt like the Essie of Blue Bell in human form. I have struggled with the hormones and the emotions tied to this post partum body and the excruicating pain and fear I have felt just trying to get out of bed after C- Section. (The nurses at the hospital were gracious enough to never make me feel crazy for asking them to check my incision one more time).

I have all kinds of great support from my husband, mom, dad, sisters and family. There is just something mental and emotional that you don't get prepped for while you are learning your baby and I want to tell those who this applies to that you are great and you don't suck. If your baby keeps crying its because that's all he or she can do. Your precious baby has only been on Earth for a few days after being snug and safe inside they too are in shock but in time with your love the fussiness will subside. We are at the stage of motherhood where there reward for our labor is simply our children being here because at this point tears, sleep, and poopy are all that they can really produce until the open their eyes.

Please don't listen to the crazy thoughts in your head. It's going to be ok. You will rest again. You are still you. You have not lost yourself or your mind. Your baby loves you in the only way he or she knows how. As much as you can enjoy your new precious joy and this time because believe it or not it's fleeting. The pain goes away.. with a few less cupcakes and pizza your body will come back. You will have a girls night eventually... and Best of all daily you will fall deeper and deeper in love with your baby each day and one day soon that sweet little baby will touch your face as you nurse them to sleep and in that moment all will be right in the world. Whatever you do don't run away from home. You are doing great. You are not alone.

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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