There comes a moment in time when the world spins around you, the ground beneath you shakes and quivers, and the sky above you cracks again and again. These are the days you must stop and breathe in order to keep from sinking into the chaos. These are the moments after you jump when you must force yourself to not panic and remind yourself that if you only relax you will not drown. You must inhale, face the tides and embrace the space that surrounds your frame so that you can become one with the wave.
As I was considering what to write for this post, I had several reader requested posts to choose from but I felt led to share with you my now. My now involves the evolution of two people that resulted in the procreation of new being who caused futher evolution and mutation. The evolution I've experienced through marriage and child bearing has caused me to jump from safety into a life I never knew I wanted. A life that has freed me from the bondage of expectation (from others).
When Mike and I got married I thought I had to become a hybrid of my mother and his mom. It was crazy. I struggled for months trying to be this super human woman that was a modern day Joan Cleaver mixed with my shero the super successful Claire Huxtable. I made myself stay in with "my man" cause I knew that he was a self proclaimed "home body". I tried to tone down my style because I thought he may think I was too over the top- or God forbid a diva. I made things that were important to me like hair, make up, shopping, etc.. seem like things that I didn't care about. I tried to act like I didn't have caviar taste on our tuna fish budget. I didn't write. I didn't draw. I didn't listen to my music. I felt like he was the better Christian as something inside me told me I wasn't good enough for him. I let all of the voices influence my thoughts as it seemed others thought he was a "gooood man" and I was just lucky to have him. I even felt guilty for being married and happy as saying "my husband" seemed to get on some peoples nerves. I lost myself in those first months of marriage and in the end I began to resent him. I think in some ways he had a simliar experience and as a result of our insecurities we fought over stupid things... often.
I remember those days, feeling like a shell of myself as I felt friendless and honestly lonely. I was ironically living in the moments I had prayed and cried for over and over but I was living the fairytale I thought I would be. Things were good but I was not. In my singleness, I knew nothing of the sacrifices of marriage. I didn't know that there was a mirror that showed you your true self. I didn't know that saying "I do" didn't promise nightly cuddling. I didn't know that marriage was selfless, continuous work.
Don't get me wrong we were happy and never regretted getting married. We just didn't know how much we actually had to grow up and how much we had to learn about each other. It was crazy. I had realized until I was married that I hadn't used my single years wisely. I am not making that mistake in my now.
Fast forward to now
After giving the birth to the most adorable handsome baby boy in the world, something in both of us has broken in the most delicious and painful way. Life has been spinning like a world wind around us. It seems we have had to walk on water over and over again. Sometimes getting drenched from head to toe; many times just sinking to our knees. Over the course of the past year, God has turned us toward each other and silenced the outside influences. He has allowed us to face and go through things and leave loved ones in order for us to turn our house into a home. God has made us a family by getting us to be unapologetically ourselves. The things we are able to say and discuss and joke about now would have never "flied" before. Before I honestly felt pressure, but now there is so much freedom as I have stopped trying to be the perfect wife and decided just be me. That's who he loves anyway. Forget what others could possibly think they don't and won't live in our home.
Today, I love Mike with a love that I didn't have free in me three years ago. It's a love that is deeper than butterflies- one that is rooted in respect and watered with acceptance. The things we once argued about are now the things we laugh at or feel are too silly to discuss. We laugh and play even more and there's so much passion for our lives together. There's no more hiding or pretending. No more guilt. I know now that I shouldn't compare myself to my husband I must only pair myself with him while tuning out the white noise and being my true self. Things in our life are changing since I "Jumped" for the better (check out the previous post "Jump"). We are healthier because I am healthier. We are more free because I am more free. We are one because we each stopped trying to prove we were good enough and just decided to be vulnerable and love hard. Life has evolved for the better since the waves crashed and I just breathed and let me be me.
Wherever you are just be you... it'll be BEaUtiful