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Jump Part 2: Naked & Afraid

I know that today is not my normal post day but I have something in and on my heart that I hope to complete before my Lovie gets too fussy in his swing (what a game changer in mommyhood), I also hope that as I share my heart that it inspires your own.

Recently, I wrote a post titled " Jump" about my journey to and through Mommyhood that has inspired me to face my fears and "jump" boldly in the direction of creating my dream life with myself, my husband, and my family.

As a woman who prided herself in equipping myself with safety nets and accolades, I realized that I was slave to both of those things. Growing up with an independent mindset and the determination not to need any man and then being sexually assaulted by one left me in a position where it was dif

(Ooopps baby calls! Be right back)

Okay, like I was saying. Growing up as an independent minded young woman who was raised to get and do for herself mixed with the dark influence of being sexually abused left me in a position where I had a bitterness towards men even though I still wanted one. As you could expect this was not healthy for my marriage or for me because it meant I was continuously guarded and unfortunately masculine in my rationale. In addition, I constantly needed my personhood validated and as a result was persistant in my pursuit of being valued by others. I wanted to be special.

Despite my scripture knowledge of being "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalms 139), I allowed life to let me feel unwanted, tarnished, nasty, ugly, and mediocre. Thus, my already previously driven self had a new fuel to propel my need to achieve.

You may wonder what all of this has to do with jumping. Well, quite

a bit actually.You see, because I felt I needed to work hard to achieve praise, validation, titles, and hugs (love) many of the things I worked hard to accomplish were my reasons for feeling good about myself. Even my service. No, I didn't serve to be seen. I served because I felt my works made me less unclean... But really, it was all still pride.

After I wrote that post about Jumping into my writing career it seemed the writing opportunities dried up and the chances to go back became more sparkly and readily available. Life at home seemed to almost require my return to the orthodox workforce and the day my husband gave me money to go out because I didn't have what I called my own, almost did me in. My pride was hurt. I was mad at God (yes I said it) because I felt like as a woman I had already given up my name, parts of my identity, my body and in motherhood, and now I had to lay aside the things I had worked to achieve. {(Hebrews 12:1)

Sidenote: Good things can be weight too. Many time we are our own weight and that's why we should "die daily" 1 Corinthians 15:31)} It was safe to say I was pissed as I looked at my husband thinking "If I don't make money, he might think he can run me."

What a silly woman I was! I knew and know that's not my husband's heart but pride and pain had me thinking wrong about right even though I knew better. Truth is I didn't want to lose myself but that's exactly who I needed to lose. Over the past few years, I thought I had been processed but things have now reached a whole new level and it hurts. I didn't realize that the pain of my past and the pride of my present are still stifling my passion and prolonging my purpose. #dangthatsalotofp's #alliteration #popsinfluence #lol

These past few weeks have been difficult after the jump because I have had to let go of things I thought made me, me. But, I now realize it has to be done in order find the real me. The me that thrives absent of approval of my peers, friends, frienemies and family. (Especially family... I was so afraid my family would think I was losing my mind and disapprove). The me that excels for the joy of it. The me that is successful as a result of pursing passion not praise. The me that lets go of the remnant of pain.

So this week I cut the final string in my jump. After having several job opportunties, there was one that I clung to, one that I didn't think I could say no to until I remembered my previous post, looked into the eyes of my husband and son. I realized then, I hadn't really jumped. I had only put my shoes on. The jump would happen when I gave my final no to them and yes to me (scratch that) yes to God.

So now naked and afraid (just being emotionally honest) I have offically jumped. The evidence is the picture of my new office that I've posted above.

Big Hug,

A. Marie

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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