Stay In The Know:

Let Love In...

Sooo in this post I am going to be very transparent and I hope and believe that my husband won't mind because he knows my heart is to help others; especially in the area of love.

This morning I sent my husband this text:

After sending the text, I took off my glasses, fixed my bonnet for the millionth time since last night and laid in bed feeling vulnerable. I wondered what would happen next and if I had I made the right decision to send the text.

(yep that feeling of uncerrtainty still happens for some of us in marriage)

You see, my husband is a really hard worker and is doing all that he can from before dawn to wayyyyy after bedtime to make sure that our family is taken care of. I know exactly why we haven't had much quality time as a family because we just had a baby, are simultaneously pursuing our dreams, he is working during the day to keep us financially sound, and almost anytime I get away from our precious baby boy I am writing, or cooking, or cleaning (which he also pitches in on when he can), or trying to get that coveted 8 minute shower (a luxury I never knew I should cherish prior to a newborn.

{Notice I didn't mention sleep cause it is obviously a thing of the past for the both of us for a little while}

Truth is I didn't want to send the text because I didn't want him to feel guilty. I also didn't want to send the text because I didn't want to seem needy or weak. But the fact of the matter was I had to send the text for us..

During Mikey's "top of the morning before dawn feeding" I was evaluating me and the "icky" feeling I had the night before be and found that there was a little hole of sadness and frustration developing on my insides causing me to be bothered by little stupid things.

I recalled my inner dialogue for the past few days and the montage of complaints I had rolled around in my head. The blame game that had developed between us. The furrowed brows and eye rolls we had exchanged. The gruff "neverminds" we not-so quietly mumbled under our breaths. The curt remarks and unfunny verbal jabs. The dry " I'm sorry." The LOOK (dunt dun dun... cue old dramatic music)

I mentally played back how often I kissed Mikey versus MIke. I perused the plethora of pictures of Mikey and Mikey and I saw that they now greatly outnumbered pictures of Mike and I and even all three of us. My heart grew heavy as I remembered the days we ran around our house like kids dancing and twerking (Bahahaa!!!!) being silly for the heck of it, and in the middle of it all my eyes became misty. I missed doing all kinds of ridiculous things together to make Mikey laugh. I missed morning breath rank sessions and yo mama jokes. I missed us.

LIfe had spend us up and I needed for it to slow down again. So

Hold on baby is stirring .. gotta be reeaaaaaal still.. shoot he woke up... just a second

..I sent the text.

i wasn't sure if he would read it before leaving for work. But I knew he had as soon as we hugged and he lingered. So, I got up on my knees and we hugged some more and he broke. Moments later after silencing my inner gangsta, I stood in the kitchen and allowed my soft hearted inner-self to come forth and reached up for hug again.. this time i cried.

After we both wiped away our adult tears, I walked down the hall to put Mikey's carseat away in his room and felt better because I knew i had made the best decision. I chose communication over expectation. A choice I like many women who have watched too many romantic comedies often fail to make because we feel our mysterious feelings should just be known. I chose vulnerable liberation rather than bitter damsel in distress. I chose us over me. I chose love. Now, because I know and trust my husband I have faith that family time is coming soon.

I feel better

Friends, adulting is hard enough without silly emotional games... Get out of your feelings and communicate.... Don't always want what you don't say to be heard... Open up and let love in.

Big Hug,

A.Marie

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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