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This morning waves of nervousness ran up my spine after watching the recent horrific accounts and I realized Mike hadn't returned home from his run. I thought of him jogging, earbuds in listening to Eric Thomas or his favorite worship song (Made A Way by Tranis Green or Cornerstone by Hillsong or The Anthem By PlanetShakers). I thought of him picking up trash as he circled the park and then I thought of his description (large, Black, Male) and a small part of my faith was shaken. I am sorry but I panicked. I texted and texted and called and checked my Life360 app only to realize he was having coffee with our brother Cody. I felt so silly when i remembered where he was... Then, I looked down at our son and cried. I cried because after all of these instances it finally hit me... hard..

My heart hurt, my head swam, and my heart twisted and turned from all of the emotion. All I could do was rock MIkey and cry. Rock and cry. Rock and cry. Rock and cry. I rocked and cried until I did what I knew to do; pray. I had to get the pain out because the hurt was mixing with the anger and that's not good for any writer.

I decided share. sighhhhh.. here goes

Lord, (sniff sniff)

It feels like we are being hunted in America. And by we I mean Black people. You created us all in your image Black, White, Asian, Indian, Hispanic, Aborigine, and the list goes on. But what is it about people who look like me that creates such a nervousness in others? What is it that causes some who were called to protect to kill people who look like me without remorse? And, what is it about people who look like me that causes people to want to defend murder?

It's like a modern day Holocaust. Genocide.

Lord, (Sob)

My heart hurts because this is not the first or only time this has happened.

Lord, (Sniff)

I heard the Speaker of the House say a few weeks ago that he believed that Trump was a textbook racist, but that he believed that they could get more done concerning policy with him than with Hilary. Lord, you know I'm trusting you with the leadership of this country because I don't have faith in either of these candidates. Honestly, though, I am a little unnerved to hear that our goverment will accept racism in order to forward their agenda.

Lord, (tears streaming down)

If this isn't racism why is there an overwhelming number of people who look like me being killed over the possibility of being a threat while many who were actually a danger (ie shooting up churches, schools, etc) were able to walk away handcuffed and alive... after using their weapons fatally?

Lord, (Sob)

You made me Black and this hurts because these people who have been killed You made Black too. But, you made us all People. So, why aren't People across the board upset. Why are my brothers and sisters across the Christian faith so quiet? Why can we cry for Paris, Orlando, and so many other places but when we say #BlackLivesMatter people think we are being racist and scream back All Lives Matter!

Lord, (angry tears)

So what if he had a gun in his pocket? Isn't being armed the right that so many of these same hateful people just hollered and screamed to obtain? Just three weeks ago people bashed a woman all over the web because an animal was shot in order to protect her son after falling into his cage at a zoo. Is an animal worth more than a human?

Lord, (Sniff)

I mean I really thought that was understood. Why would I value only my life and not the lives of others who don't look like me. That's not what You have taught me. Don't they remember what you have taught them too.

Lord, (tears streaming down)

Since all lives truly do matter why aren't all people speaking, praying up, or saying just as much as those who believe a man is justified for being killed because 21 years ago he did something wrong. I mean If that was the case each of us who have accepted Christ as Savior deserve the same fate. Where are those who understand and extend compassion for human life?

Lord, (more tears)

Why do so many seem to think murders like these are okay? I know all police have a job to do... but these videos don't show them doing their job. What I see are murderers in police clothing.

Lord, (sniff sniff)

I realize there are extremists on every side mixing up messages for the masses but, where are the Believers in times like these? Why are so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ so overwhelmingly quiet?

Lord, (sigh)

Where is the Liberty and Justice (in these times) for all??

Lord, (sniiiifffff)

Thank you for accepting my prayer and loving me through this moment of life.

Thank you for our brother Cody who just so happens to not be Black and is a Christian who checked in on us this morning.

Thank you showing me that though they may be few there are still believers who mourn when others mourn and offer an "I'm sorry" not because they owe one but because they are sorry for the pain their brothers and or sisters are experiencing.

Thank you for allowing me to experience the compassion I sought your for and the empathy I was afraid was extinct.

Lord please me forgive for my angry thoughts that nearly manifested into words. Forgive me for where I have failed to do the very thing I have cried about. Please help me to be bolder as a Christian. Please help me to live unashamed in your love and act in love as well. Please let these words heal and soften hearts and some how make take steps to being whole.

Finally, Please protect the men in my life that fit the description of the men who were killed like my husband, my dad, my son, my nephews and my cousins. Please aslo protect the men that do not. I love them all and couldn't imagine only having them in my life as a hashtag.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen (sniff sniff)

.-A. Marie

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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