" When I first met you, I didn't like you. I thought you were stuck up."
" I couldn't stand you when I first met you. But I love you now"
" You are just one of those people you have to get to know."
" I thought you were stand offish."
" You are just you know... aggressive"
" You need to toughen up you are too sensitive." " Ughhhh why do you talk like that."
" You are too soft hearted. You need thicker skin."
" You are strange..."
" You're a feminist"
"You're soooooo weird"
" You wear your feelings on your sleeve too much"
"You're not Black enough"
"You're too pro Black"
" Alicia, you are intimidating."
" You are over top"
" You are such a girly girl"
" You must think that you are all that"
" When I first met you I was like ughhhh I don't know. But I love you now!" (That again!)
For years, I did not know what to say in response when people randomly said these things to me. It was always trippy how easily people said exactly what they wanted to me and how tongue twisted I became in response. Now as I recall these scenarios, I know that I said something back, but for the life of me I can't recall it was exactly. I only remember walking away hurt, nights of wasted time picking my self apart, and replaying the day wondering what was wrong with me. But today, as a I retured to this post (for the millionth time) I happily sayyyyy, "So What?!
If I were really honest I'd tell you that the part of me that I have to crucify daily wanted to let my flesh speak. That part of me struggling with being slow to speak and merciful, for two seconds, wanted to casually insert words that rhyme with "the whale" in between my "so" and "what". Because unfortunately, (despite what they say about sticks and stones) years later those words still kinda hurt and annoy me.
No matter how hurt or upset part of me gets when people boldly express their opinion of me to me as if it were truth, I must be light. I must not injest their words as they are empty and lacking in nutrients. Like unhealthy calories those words will only feed and stretch my flesh and slow me down. (And Lord knows I don't want that... my flesh is hard enough to crucify as it is.) Plus, I was sent here to make God famous and responding that way would be bad publicity. My Lord can flip a mean table, but he is peaceable with His tongue.
Truth is I've never been one to use colorful language except for in college when I adopted a few four letter words into my vernacular thinking they would better help me express myself. I thought they were just words. As I recall those days, I remember how awkward I sounded. How even though I was disconnected from Christ, those words clearly weren't mine. They belonged to the box I was trying to fit in. A box I couldn't fit. Like a waistrainer that smoothes your tummy but leaves all your back-fat exposed for the world to see. That's what happens, though, when you let people in your head... You get back-fat.
Back-fat: n. 1) extra flesh that serves no purpose resulting from taking in excess.
2) a build up behind you
No one really wants back-fat because Its hard to get rid of. Once its there, you have to burn the calories through cardio, isolate the area in order to tone it, and then replace the empty calories with good calories. Here are some good calories below. (feel free to read out loud)
Daddy God designed and made me on purpose for a purpose. HE SAID I'm His... and HE SAYS I'm BEAUTIFUL in my time (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY MADE by Him (Psalm 139:14) period.
We all have something from our past that turns our smiles upside down. Something that cooks our grits until they are overdone. But, we can't let our back-fat prevent us from reaching our true potential. You can't afford to waste another moment chewing on the words that won't help you grow. Surround yourself with postive words and people that tell the truth in love not in sarcasm or discomfort.
Honestly I may be a couple of those things listed above (especially girly and senstive and at times over the top lol) but I don't believe those are bad traits and neither should you. Changing yourself to make people happy will not make them happy it will only make you unhappy.
Don't hide the crazy, good and fabulous, dope you that God designed because it makes others uncomfortable. Instead, own being different and let your light shine because when you do that God is glorified through you. You are His prized creation, your very existence makes Him smile. The things about you that need changing He'll tell you as you talk and walk through life together.
I encourage you to let God love on you and smooth out that back-fat. Soon, you will attract people who love you for you flaws included. Even with a little back fat...