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Jump Part 3

Wowwww it's been way wayy too long since I have sent out a piece to you all and I apologize. It seems like there has just been so much craziness continuously popping in, up, and out of my life.

A few months a go I wrote a couple pieces about my "jump" from the professional world in to the Working At Home Mom #WAHM world. It was a culture shock to say the least. I didn't truly understand what could or would happen after I let go of what I knew and was comfortable with no strings attached.

Let's just say I after I jumped I didn't exactly spread my wings are fly off into the sunset. Instead, I hit a rock, got scraped up, and rolled into one of the beastiest storms of life. It's like after I took a step into what was already scary uncharted territory, life said "Let's take it up a notch!!"

We went from two incomes, to one income, to no incomes (from a traditional job sense). Getting that news from my husband shook me to my core as I instantly thought "We are going to lose it all! What about Mikey??!??! How will we survive??" I heard God say it would all be ok and I immediately began to pray and I was strengthened.... for a second.

After that, it seemed like each week the hell that seemed to be breaking lose in our lives kept breaking and breaking affecting us, friends, and family. Then the depression came, the anger came, and the tears flooded daily from my eyes behind closed doors.

I tried so hard not to let my husband see that I was crumbling. I tried to be the superwife that loved and supported and said "Hey babe, it's going to be okay". I tried to drown in silence. But finally, shattered right in front of him and he saw just how strong I was not.... and the guilt set in.

For weeks, I have questioned what God was doing and tried to get an understanding of what I could've done wrong, or better. I tried to get a traditional part time job but every attempt I made to run from my two new businesses Younique and A Beautiful Mess to a "real job" ended in a door slamming loudly shut in my face.

God was saying "Be Still" but that wasn't rational to me. So I made myself busier. I fought to get out of my now.

Help came from so many directions and my pride swelled and then burst into pieces. Even though I was grateful, I didn't (and still don't) want to be in need. I cringed at the very thought of a handout. I saw my husband swallow and swallow his pride too... we both were being pulverized, reshaped, and filled with humility.

I am not going to lie, there was a moment or two when I resented my husband. I resented those around me and shame overtook my whole self. I was not used to this reality. I was not used to needing. I watched as those around me seemed to prosper and have fun and the voices filled my head as I refused to be seen as a charity case. I thought I could hear people rallying "Hey you know Mike and Alicia, the poor sweet couple with the beautiful child? They are really going through.. Let help them."

There's so much more. The disconnect that happened between Mike and I. The frustration of feeling once again like a sucky (no pretty word for it) wife. The sadness I felt as I wanted to be a blessing not need a blessing. The seemingly never ending dialogue in our heads questioning when we will the call come that would change all of this. Daily, I wondered begged and pleaded for this season to over. It took such a toll that I couldn't even write. I could barely think straight.

Until today..

Today as I pulled through the drive through to PAY my student loan my heart got full. As I thought of the fact that we haven't missed a bill payment or a meal my heart became mushy. I began to think of how my husband gets up each day and goes out to what he knows to do and all he can to make our now better I was overcome. I realized God wanted to get him moving but wanted to slow me down.

And so I stopped. I stopped fighting the storm and surrendered to it. I let the waves crash around me, the wind blow and the rains come crashing down. I dropped my umbrella and let it over take me and then I noticed we were floating. I realized we were in the eye of the storm. The peaceful secret place #psalm41 where we are safe.

Faith then came rushing in.. God has been showing me what it means we say He is our source. He has led me to a passion I didn't know I had and is giving me a gift I hope that I one day can explain...

God is taking care of us despite our formally flimsy faith... finanically and in our marriage. He is redirecting us into purpose and showing us that what we previously thought was sooooo important isn't actually important at all. He has shown us that he can do more alone through our surrender than if we feebly trying to help.

He has broken us for better and know I truly believe better is now and even better is on it's way.

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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