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Eventually... Maybe #day19

I am having the first moment that I have had completely alone in what feels like years today. It's Father's Day. One of the days I used to enjoy so much because it was all about one of my favorite people in the entire world, my Father. Gary Lee Stoker. Otha and Aline Stoker's baby boy. For my sisters and I, he was our real life superman.

Instead of this moment being peaceful it feels like Valentine's Day before I got married and I had absolutely no love interests. I was alone watching everyone else hold hands. I would walk through aisles of Wal-Mart weeks before the day glaring at the balloons, cards, tissue paper and super sized signs daring them to so much as graze my arm. I was sad, angry, and slightly bitter. Much like I am today.

Point of correction: Today does not feel like Valentine's Day. It feels much much worse. I can't even pray for the day that I will celebrate Father's Day with my Father again because he's gone. He's in Heaven. And, while that does bring me great relief for his sake, for two weeks now I have dredded today. I had hoped I could escape by taking some kind of mini vacation but those hopes were fruitless.

I know that there are so many beautiful, true statements that can be said about my father being gone. There's so much practical advice about what I should or shouldn't be doing for my mom, my sisters, my husband, and my son. There are so many ways I should feel and things I must focus on in order to not be drowned by the waves of pain crashing in and around me. But, I'm not going to pretend I'm okay.

I'm not okay. I've lost part of my center. There is a gaping whole in my heart and a void in my ears. I long to hear the tones of my father's voice and the ridiculousness of his "true" laugh. My Father validated my personhood and saw me. In my vulnerability I felt safe with my dad and the weirdness of my thoughts made sense. In a world that constantly tried to change and improve me, my Daddy pushed me to be better without making me feel like who I was right then wasn't okay. I wasn't strange to my daddy... I was just me (and that was a good with him).

Presently, I am at a scary fork in the road with an uncomfortable mindset. I am empty yet centered, lonely yet surrounded, and without the one person who would have told me that I matter when I feel most expendable. The one who would've said it would be okay and I would've believed them. The one who would make my mental breakdowns seem so sane...

One day, the anger and pain of losing My Daddy .. will hopefully become less intense. One day, it might all make sense. But, today it doesn't and I momentarily have lost my center. But, deep in the darkness that is my mind there is a flicker of hope that says it will be more than okay... eventually.. maybe.

Day 19

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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