Why Opinions Don't Matter
I've been awake since 3:48
It was an abrupt arousal from a not so peaceful sleep that sent my thoughts spinning... about life. What it means and how it's supposed to be. I remember growing up with such joy and fantasy (and discipline) as my parents taught us boundaries but created a life for us that allowed us to dream and push past adversity. Now, I look around at my present state of adulthood and honestly I am afraid. I am afraid that this is life. That adulting is the synonym for suffering.
Normally at this hour it would mean that I was being called to a place and posture of prayer and quality time with God. Tonight is probably not any different except I can't find the words and every emotion leads me to tears... and I am tired of crying. I honestly feel that... well I don't know what to feel. I know what I have been taught. I know what I have been raised to believe and while I don't unbelieve it, I do in my present self have difficult time tapping into what has been sewn into my spirit. There is a disconnect.
I promised my dad that I would not give up on God. I promised him that I would go forward. I remember clearly the tears forming in his eyes as he told me that he saw God using me and that God intended to do great things with me. He almost pleaded with me that no matter how his situation turned out that I would keep living for God. He believed I could be great, but right now I struggle setting the same parameters for life as I alway did. The daughter in me feels left to live alone.
I hear the scriptures in my head. I feel the stirring in my spirit. But, I am not ready to apply the usual rationalizations to death the of my Father. I have not made peace with the fact that my family, friends, and neighbors spent months turned to years praying and clinging to God for his healing on this side only to be told no. There is a hole in my center and I am still here.
I know God is good. But, this doesn't feel good. I know God loves me. But, this doesn't feel like love. I am grateful for the peace I know my Father is feeling. But, peace is the last thing I feel. I, a self proclaimed devoted follower of Christ am not saying the usual "Christiany" things but I am telling the truth.
For once, I am not romanticising my faith. Instead I am trying to face what is my relationship with God and without coersion discover faith, love, peace, joy, and everything else wrapped up in Him with Him alone. And, in my our own time... in our own way.
Everything that I believe in has been shaken to my core and for the first time I am not running away from it or trying to pretend that I am doing well than I am for people's sake. I am not as healthy as I am, but the goal is to keep living authentically in process until the day I will be whole. He sent word that His "Grace was sufficient" But, I realize what I thought was grace must not be it if at present it doesn't feel like enough. So for the first time, I lean into the disappointment that I was terrified to feel with God.
Until, I look at my son. He said "Pa Pa" today for the first time. A dagger went through my heart as my daddy never heard him say it, but... there is no but. Maybe Daddy was right about God giving us the babies so that we could better heal.
Thank you for your prayers I feel them. I believe they are the reason my family and I are functioning. I do believe God was merciful in not abruptly taking my father. I just cannot fathom why His love for us and him didn't cause him to make him well and allow him to be here. He was only 58. But then I hear "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" and I can't argue with that.
Some people like to say things like "Don't question God" or " Don't be angry with God" as if we cannot bring anything negative to him. I am not one of those people. I believe I must do those very things if I am to establish a real, stable relationship with him. Right now I am respectfully as I know how doing those very things with the hope that somehow life gets better from here.
The thing that gives me the most comfort in being so forthcoming with my thought and feelings is I know I don't answer to anyone reading these words. And while, there will be many opinions, none of them matter more than words I clearly heard God speak when I wasn't trying to listen.
He said, "I will wait for you."
It was at that moment a crack in the pulverized place of my heart was restored. If God will wait, then the world will have to, too.