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My New Normal

Mama can I have music please? I wanna dance.” Asked Mikey. Song of choice Pharrell’s Happy: 🎶Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof Because I'm happy Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth Because I'm happy...🎶 As the music fills our den and Mikey dances joyfully across the living room in front of a screen filled with diverse happy people, my eyes well up with tears. But for the first time in a long time it’s not from pain, disappointment, anger or frustration. After weeks of unregulated hormones, mood swings, body aches, incision pain and the reality again of the forever earthly absence of my father as the 2nd year anniversary knocked us all to our knees on May 31st. The week before Daddy’s transition day was rough. The day was rough. The night was tougher. Life had shown me once again that I needed my daddy. That I needed Gary Lee. That no matter how long I sipped I couldn’t escape or be comforted by the truth that for now he is gone. A while back I asked God how long he would allow our family suffer as it felt like the happy days of our life were gone. It felt like we were sentenced to live life in a forever storm filled with pain and drama. Daddy not being here to help me sift through the mess of my life hurt deeply. And although I had made it past being infuriated in my grief, I regularly ebbed and flowed between sadness and acceptance. My journey out of madness was a success for my soul and mental health credited to God. God who graciously carried and carries me through the moments where I feel like I’m “two can shy of a load” as daddy would say. The reality is my grief has not gone away although my life continues to progress. However, God has proven once again that He sees me and will comfort and plant beauty in the ash filled places of my heart. So how can my eyes be filled with happy tears even though my heart hurts? Because life is complex and often times two things can be true. Because it’s not just happiness it’s joy. Joy is different that in that it can exist in the midst of sorrow. Joy. The exact thing my completely healed Daddy told me in my dream to feel when I told him I couldn’t do life without him here. Truthfully, I’ve received no answers or even sermons that make me feel better. I miss Gary Lee (no but) as I watch Mikey dance his heart out across the living room floor and hold my sleeping Garrison peacefully on my chest. That’s when my eyes well up as beautiful souls dance across the screen and in my home to Pharrell’s HAPPY. Joy. I realize, my two miracle sons are thriving before my eyes and my body is healed to the point where I can play with them. God has added life, opportunity, and hope through people young and not so young that I never new I needed. My Lazurus soul has been resuscitated and the creative in me has been resurrected. I never thought I’d feel inspired to write, sing, feel, and live again, but I do and it feels good. It’s my new normal and I’m still getting adjusted. In a moment, I may be crying tears of sorrow because daily I long for my fathers hug and to hear “It’s going to be alright, Boo”. However for a second time I feel what I wasn’t sure I’d feel again... pure Gratitude to God. If you have loved ones that are no longer here. Right now it may feel like living is impossible. BUT You will smile again, laugh again, and hear from them, again somehow someway. You will create again. You will find Joy again. Life won’t be like this forever. I’m praying for you. Shoot, I’m praying for us.  

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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