Stay In The Know:

I’m Coming for Her

The person in the picture is me y’all!!! 2010. I was preparing to graduate from grad school (Axe’em Jacks) Pre-kids. Pre-Husband. Pre-Real Adult life. I miss her. In the hustle and bustle of life have you ever felt like you’ve lost yourself? Not just your physically body but the essence of who you are. Your creativity, your effervescence, or even your identity? You ever feel like despite how wonderful it is to be a mom, wife, adult, church member, boss, etc that these new life titles and circumstances have caused you to lose you? I have.. It’s so easy and seemingly necessary for us to stop doing the things and being the ways we have come most accustomed to in order to adapt to the very life changes we prayed for. I remember longing for a husband only to freak out at the idea of losing my last name and identity. I panicked as I realized nobody knew Alicia Johnson they only knew Alicia Stoker. I remember praying for my sons only to be devastated at the tolls of motherhood and marriage on my body. I remember how I felt like an orphan of sorts after my father passed away and then losing even more of myself when my heart was too broken to do anything but hurt. But, sometime at the end of last year God met me in my living room with a song called Defender sang by Steffany Gretzinger. I realized that for me my lost identify came in part because I had separated myself from the one who gave me my identity and thus that was to be MY first step to finding me again. However, this time I wouldn’t seek validation from church leaders or VIPs, this time I would allow myself to be what hadn’t allowed myself to be before... Human. I had not allowed myself to be a human wife, a human mother, a human woman, a human friend, a human daughter, a human sister, a human being at all.. and it sucked the me right out of me and filled me with everyone else. I resented those around me for not appreciating my sacrifices enough instead of giving myself the time I needed. So I've been making room in my life for me and my flaws. I’m slowly opening myself to experiences (music, drawing, writing, singing, dancing, food, outings, etc) I love. I’m sharing those things with my family and specifically showing my husband the parts of me I was too timid to show before. I’m facing my weight and facing my limitations. I’m strengthening my no and saying yes more while working through the guilt of doing both. Most of all, I am letting God be God and me be woman. I lost myself before because I had gotten the roles mixed up. I wasn’t sent here to fix people or to get them to understand, accept, and love me. I was to let my weakness give glory to His strength. Sadly, for a time, I thought my daddy died because I didn’t pray hard enough. I became frustrated because I couldn’t fix my family. And, I was angry the church I had love me whole life seemed more like a country club of empty promises demanding membership instead of being a hospital and a well for those thirsting for living water. I’m not hiding my creativity, sensitivity, grandiose, silly, introverted, strong-willed, ultra feminine, lover of all that sparkles, wok-ish, hood-ish self any longer, etc etc. I’m trusting that as I connect even more authentically with God and fall deeper in love with Him in His three forms (The Trinity) He will direct and shape me into my best self. I love me now. But, coming for the woman in the picture above.. she was and is me. So much promise, purpose, and passion... failing her way to success. She’s not fearless but she has the courage to try. She is a dime and fine as wine to me... I’m praying for you.. if life has left you feeling life you have lost yourself or that you never knew you. I pray that you find your way. I’m praying your creativity and passion is resuscitated and that the revelation that you, too, are beautiful in all of your facets including your flaws. Yes you may be a mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, leader, etc but you are those things because you were YOU first. Big Hug A.Marie  

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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