Stay In The Know:

i WAS mad at God. #reborn

As I held his hands and watched my father take his final breaths I was traumatized. I prayed and prayed as his heartbeat fell and rose with every, “Please Jesus”. I believed that if I could just pray hard enough his eyes would open and he would be healed. I would not lose my father today. Only moments before my younger sister and I had lifted his hands so that he could worship per his silent request. You see, my father couldn’t move any muscle below his jaw and at this point couldn’t see clearly. So he mouthed worship and by some miracle I understood as I never could read lips. But as machines were removed from his body and sting of fresh air surged through his lungs the song Surrender echoed through the hospital room and Psalmist Raine sang out: Some of us we've been wearing ourselves tired Fighting battles we can win With swords we can't lift And arms that don't fit Some of us been running ourselves tired Running races too long None of our feets are that strong And I hear the Lord says Surrender, Surrender, Surrender You won't lose 'cos I'm fighting I'm fighting for you I saw and felt my father give in. I saw and remember the instant in which he let go and was escorted to the other side. At that moment when his hand lost it’s pulse it didn’t feel like he was escorted it felt like he was stolen or swept away and when he died something in me died too. So for a little over two years, I have been in a sense a dead woman walking. A modern day zombie undetected by many but missed but those closest to me. Until today... when He resurrected me in the baptism pool. I was sitting there watching soul after soul submerge themselves in what some refer to as a watery grave burying their pasts and rising up full and new.... revived. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t have a change of clothes or even a towel. My face was beat with highlight, contour, and mascara. My hair unprotected but as tears poured from my eyes, I knew today was the day. In the past year, I had let the world know that I was mad at God. But today, I would let Him know that I love Him. I would trust Him, and that I would surrender to Him. I would release my pain of not having my father to him with the understanding that the hurt may not go away but that He would heal the wound. So I quietly approached my pastor as the lights went down and asked “May I be baptized after service.” He said you wanna do it today? We can do it right now. No no no no. I whispered, “After service”. But it was too late and thank God for that because what transpired afterwards was life changing. As felt the warm water, I thought of my past and how God faithfully loved me through my anger and set loved ones around me to love me through the most difficult time of my life. I thought of His promise to wait for me and his commitment keeping me when all I wanted to do was die. I thought of my husband who was now beside me preparing to baptize me with my pastor. I thought of the pain I must’ve caused him after losing my dad, as our money was gone, as we both lost our jobs, as I pushed him and everyone else away. I thought of how he never left, he never cheated, and how he said if you leave I’m coming for you, how he loved on me, how he sent me scriptures I didn’t want and continued to from a distance to pray for me even when I didn’t know it. As I answered “Yes!” to my belief, trust, and acceptance in Jesus to my Pastor and then listened to the cracking voice of my husband it was as if I was outside of my body. I felt the water surround me like a hug and release me and was instantly overwhelmed with grace, mercy and freedom. I was full. On August 11, 2019 I was reborn.

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
00:00 / 00:00