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No Filter

This is not a fitness journey post.. (even though I do have goals for my body). I'm not trying to snap back but I have been making strides to ”snap out” of postpartum depression and high blood pressure.. And snap out of the desire to prove my worth to even myself. Over the past few months, as all hell has broken loose in our country, my value has come into question as I've been having my own interpersonal riots. Now as a 34 year old mother of three and wife to an amazing real estate agent, I've wondered where I fit into my own life. It's no shade to them its just I want it all.. I want to be the successful career woman, community servant, and bomb homemaker. I want my family to feel well loved and taken care of but recently I've felt like I'm losing me in some ways or maybe that I've lost. My time to achieve, meet personal goals, and maintain my skin feels so short and my list of things to accomplish so long. And with all of this time up at night I've ironically had time to think and have repeatedly asked myself these questions and many more..

Will we ever travel or be debt free? When is the right time to finish my doctoral degree? How can I protect and prepare my sons from this society? When will I type up and publish my written poetry book? Will I reopen Hazelmarie? Will I publish my completed children’s book? Will I ever write another song on my guitar? How can I inspire and empower my husband? How do I love him fearlessly? Will I ever speak publicly again? Will I ever weigh less than 200 pounds or not wear Spanxx again lol! As a 34 year old mother of three are my best days behind me??? Will I ever live up to my potential? Etc Etc. Etc.

Whew Chile... Postpartum depression alone has a way of trapping you inside yourself.. In the midst of sleep deprivation, pain, and fatigue these thoughts and questions lead me to very “sunken place“ with seemingly no way to “get out.” Pair that with trips to the E.R. and doctor in search of blood clots and remedies for high blood pressure, anxiety at sunset about the upcoming night, engorged breasts, then decreased milk supply, thrush, financial strain, plumbing issues, home schooling, toddler chasing, a broken bed all in the midst of this pandemic that half the country is treating like a light cold and its almost a given that a overthinking empath like me will at some point will feel ”two cans shy of a load” as my daddy used to say...

So, in an effort to regain my footing..

I've talked to my doctors, begun taking mental health drives, addressing my skincare needs, listening to music I love, singing made up songs out loud, making healthy eating choices, being creative, and riding the wave of newborn schedule (instead of fighting it), and addressing the needs of my 18 month old, 4 year old and husband. Daily, I remind myself I’m less than 6 weeks out from a C-section, that Eyan is my last newborn and I want to enjoy every sweet moment. As much as I can I'm trying to give myself grace as my body is still aching, stinging, healing and poppin..

If you're a woman who can relate I hope it helps to know you aren't the only one who has questioned who or where she is.. wonders whether you've missed your window, lost yourself forever or if your glory days are gone... Well my answer to you (and to me) is no.. you are not done. You are not alone. You are evolving. The best days of your life are not over.

You were great, you are greater and as you evolve each time you'll be the greatest you've ever been. It’s time you face your beautiful self and start loving you... no filter.

Go Sis Go.

P.S. Shoutout to my tribe for being the best support I could ask for.. thank you for being present, available, and for not treating me like a weakling but instead allowing me the space to be vulnerable, human, and worthy.. I love you.

Lead Me Back - Morgan Harper Nichols
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